Snafu
by GeorgeGlass
Summary: One shot examining Carlisle's decisions to create his family.  Humorous and slightly OOC, though the timeline and events follow canon.


**This is meant strictly to be a fun little parody one-shot. Unlike my other stories, it is not entirely AU or canon. The events are canon, but the character reactions are not. I am well aware of how OOC some characters are. This one is strictly for fun, but feel free to check out my other stories if you prefer a more in-character experience. =)**

**I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

1918

Did I dare do this? I had wanted a companion for so long. So many times had I considered creating one. So many times, I had determined how wrong it would be to condemn someone to this life. This boy's mother had stared through my soul with her vibrant green eyes and begged—no, demanded—that I do for her son what other doctors could not do. What no one else could do. How she could possibly have known that I was capable of doing this thing, I had no idea. How could she want this life for her only child? About that, too, I had no idea.

The boy struggled to draw each breath now, and each breath was more shallow than the last. His heartbeat was becoming weak, useless. I had already carried him away from the hospital and into my home. No one would ever find out whether he died here or became undead. It was now or never. I made the sign of the cross and prayed for God to bless this boy, Edward Masen, and to forgive me for what I now did. I pressed my teeth against his flesh and, for the first time, caught the sweet flavor of human blood. It was intoxicating and incredible, but I was disgusted with myself for thinking so. As soon as I was certain that my venom was flowing through Edward's veins along with his blood, I spat out his blood in my sink. All that was left to do now was wait.

I spent three long, heartbreaking days pacing by Edward's side while he screamed under the pain of the change, feigning illness and exhaustion to avoid going to my regular shifts at the hospital. No one paid my absence much mind; they had seen me work well past my eight hour shifts every single day since the flu epidemic had hit. If anyone could take a few days away from work without being questioned, it was I. Still, I felt the unbearable guilt of knowing that I wasn't there to save as many lives as I could. Were others dying because of my selfish act in creating a companion for myself?

At last, Edward opened his eyes. Gone was the stark emerald eye color that matched his mother's, replaced with the deep crimson that I had known would be there. I gasped a sharp intake of breath as he rose in a swift, fluid motion and immediately moved into a defensive posture.

"Edward, I'm not going to hurt you. My name is Dr. Carlisle Cullen," I told him.

"What's going on? Where is my mother? Why have you taken me from the hospital?" he demanded.

"I'm afraid there is no easy way to break this news to you, so I will simply say it outright. Your mother has passed away—"

"—My mother is dead?"

"Yes, but there's more," I stammered.

"More? Am I dead too? I was dying, and then..."

"No, Edward, you're a vampire."

Edward stared back at me before bursting into laughter. "Vampires aren't real. What's really going on?"

"Edward, you're a vampire," I repeated. _Doesn't he notice the burn in his throat?_ I wondered.

"Of course I notice it," he snapped. "But how did you know about it?"

"That you're a vampire? Because I'm one too," I told him.

"Not that! The other thing you said. The part that actually made sense. About the burning in my throat," Edward snarled impatiently.

"But I didn't..." _Did he just read my mind?_

"You're quite a strange man. First you tell me we're both vampires, which aren't even real, then you accuse me of reading minds."

_He is! He's a mind reader! Incredible!_

"I'm going home," Edward sighed, exasperated. "Seeing as you're making up crazy stories, maybe my mother has recovered too."

"Edward, wait! What I'm telling you is the truth. Look at yourself in the mirror."

Edward turned his gaze to where I indicated and gasped at his reflection.

"Okay, you have my attention," he informed me. "Let's just say for the sake of argument that I'm a vampire. Why in the world would you do that?"

"Your mother told me to."

"My mother _told_ you to? How did that even come up in conversation. 'Oh hello, Dr. Cullen, can I have some more morphine, oh and by the way, would you please turn my son into a demon?'"

I frowned. This wasn't going the way I'd pictured at all. "She told me to do for you what other doctors couldn't."

"Did it occur to you that she might have been asking you to save my life?"

"Yes," I said slowly, "but she _knew_ I wasn't like other doctors. Somehow, she knew."

Edward chuckled mirthlessly. "She was _delirious_, Doctor. Do you know what the last thing I remember her saying was? She was asking me where the giraffe went that gave her a banana. I'm not sure she was fit to make decisions about which colors went together, let alone how I should spend my eternal existence."

All right, so this had been a mistake. I certainly would never repeat it.

1921

I couldn't believe I was doing this again. I ran home, cradling the woman I recognized from ten years ago as Esme Platt in my arms. Back then, she'd been a girl of 16 with a broken leg, and I had become enamored with her. It had been partially because of my encounter with Esme that I had become obsessed with creating a companion for myself. I had lived for more than 200 years alone, and here I was creating another companion three years after Edward. He had adjusted all right, I thought. Maybe it would work out again.

I'd known what I was going to do the moment I saw her broken and mangled body lying in the morgue. Everyone thought she was dead. I alone was able to tell that her body was still struggling to remain alive after she'd inexplicably thrown herself from a cliff. I couldn't simply let her die. She'd been the object of my fascination for several months after I treated her leg ten years ago. Now that she no longer had hope of a normal life, I would be able to keep her with me guilt-free.

I burst in the door and Edward looked up from his reading. "Again, Carlisle? Are you insane? Scratch that, I already know you're insane."

"Quiet," I admonished him, biting into Esme's flesh. Once again, I took the next three days away from work in order to watch over Esme as she writhed in agony. Having Edward around was somewhat helpful, since he could tell me what her thoughts were, but her thoughts were somewhat muddled by the excruciating pain she experienced.

At last, she opened her eyes to the world. Like Edward had done, she dropped into a defensive crouch. "Who are you? What have you done to me?" she demanded. A look of recognition crossed her features. "Aren't you the doctor who set my leg when I was a teenager? You haven't aged a day."

"Yes. I'm Dr. Carlisle Cullen, and I'm a vampire. Now you're a vampire too."

"I'm a—okay," Esme took a deep breath, accepting the truth much more quickly than Edward had. "Thanks for your time, Dr. Cullen. I'll just be throwing myself off that cliff again now. If you'll excuse me." Esme made her way toward the front door. Apparently she _hadn't_ accepted the truth after all.

"What?"

"She wants to die, Carlisle," Edward explained.

"Yes, that's why I jumped off the cliff. You're a slow one, aren't you?" Esme complained.

"But I—"

"Yes, I'm sure you were just trying to help. All the same, I'd prefer to go ahead and die now, thank you." I stood in the doorway, blocking her passage. "Look, I don't expect you to understand. You really don't know anything about me, but I have nothing left to live for. I was forced into an abusive marriage which I managed to escape only because I was pregnant and I didn't want my husband to hurt my child. Then my child died. What do I have left? I suppose I could go back to my husband and let him beat me to death, but I'd prefer to do this on my own terms, thank you."

"Esme, you won't die if you jump off the cliff," I told her slowly.

"Well, perhaps not if you go rescuing me again. How about you don't do that this time?" she suggested.

"No, Esme, you're not understanding me. You're a vampire now. You can't die."

"I can't die? Ever?" Esme flew into a hysterical rage. "Well this is just great! I throw myself off a cliff trying to end my life, and instead I get to live _forever_. Perfect!" She threw her hands up in irritation. "Whatever possessed you to give me eternal life when you knew I'd tried to _kill_ myself?"

"I—I thought you might like a second chance? I remember you from when you were a girl. I could never stop thinking about you."

"Hold on a minute now. You're telling me that you could never stop thinking about a teenaged girl? Great, not only am I to spend all eternity living, but the only person who understands me happens to also be the type of man who falls in love with teenagers he knows for ten minutes. Well, and that guy," she added, pointing at Edward. "What's your story anyway?"

"I was 17. He turned me because he thought my mother wanted him to. She was sick and dying and didn't know what she was saying. Here I am."

"Excellent, apparently he doesn't limit his fascination with teenagers just to girls. Well, what's there to do around here, Edward?"

All right, this hadn't worked out either. I should have listened to myself when I vowed never do this again after I created Edward. This time, I knew I _definitely _was never going to do this again.

1933

Against all odds, Esme had somehow grown to tolerate, even care for me. Which left Edward all alone. He was a brooding, sullen sort of young man to begin with. I was doing this for him this time. Rosalie Hale was, hands down, the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Surely Edward would appreciate what I was about to do for him. Then he would have a mate, and the four of us would be happy together.

"Again, Carlisle? Really? What is it this time? Did a burning bush tell you to do it?" Edward asked as I brought Rosalie inside. "Rosalie _Hale_, Carlisle? That had better have been a rather large burning bush."

I ignored him as I bit into her. For three days, we gathered around the girl as she fought to keep herself from screaming, usually failing. At last, she too awoke to her new life.

"What's going on? Why am I not dead?" she asked.

"You're a vampire," I told her. I was surprised at how much more easily these words were coming to me now.

"Name-calling? Okay, I spent some time being called a whore, I guess I can tolerate being called a vampire. Anyway, what is this place?"

"This is my home. I'm Dr. Carlisle Cullen, and I'm a vampire. This is Edward and Esme. They're vampires too. Welcome."

She eyed me suspiciously. "What do you want with me?"

"Well, to be frank, I was sort of hoping you and Edward might take a shine to one another," I confessed.

Edward and Rosalie looked at each other. "Right, so what do you really want with me?" she asked.

"That's it," I told her. It did sound kind of silly, now that I thought about it.

"Sure, you find a girl dying in the street who has obviously just been gang-raped and you figure, hey, look at that, used goods to pass on to Edward?"

"You were raped?" I asked.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "No, I always go around lying in streets with my clothes half ripped off and bleeding out of my privates. I thought he was supposed to be a doctor," she muttered, turning to Edward.

"He is," Edward confirmed. "He means well," he added.

"Does he? Because I think the last thing I would want to do to someone who had just been traumatized like that would be to change her into a vampire against her will. What did he do to you guys?"

"He changed me after I tried to kill myself twelve years ago," Esme explained. "Now I never get to die. And Edward was changed because his mother was ranting in a fever and Carlisle thought it seemed like the thing to do."

"Not a very swift one, is he?" Rosalie asked. "Seems like he asks himself what the stupidest thing to do in a given situation is, then does it. Wonder what he was like as a human."

"Oh, that's the best part of the story," Edward told her. "He got himself turned into a vampire because he took it upon himself to hunt one down. Then he hid in some potatoes. You know, because the first thing you think when you're burning is 'Potatoes! I need potatoes!'"

Rosalie laughed. "Potatoes? Really?"

"Sad but true. Anyway, being a vampire isn't all bad. We're exceptionally strong and fast. For some reason, I can read minds. The others don't have abilities like that."

"Strong and fast, you say?" Rosalie said, a glimmer in her eye. "Do you suppose I could beat up a few humans?"

"As easily as you could have squashed a bug before," Edward told her.

"All right, maybe this won't be so bad after all..." Rosalie mused.

I gave up. I wasn't cut out for making good decisions when it came to turning others. If there was one thing I was determined about, it was that I would never do this again. Ever.

1935

"Change him for me!" Rosalie demanded. She'd hauled a massive, bleeding boy for miles to make this request.

"Rosalie, I hadn't planned on making any more vampires," I told her quietly.

"I don't really care what you planned on doing. Change him, or I'll never speak to you again!"

I stared down at the young man. He looked to be just a little older than Rosalie was when I'd turned her. He seemed to have been in a fight with a large animal and lost. I considered the implications of this. Had he been fighting the animal because he wanted to die? Was he insane? If I turned him, would we have a mentally unstable vampire with us? Had he been thrown into the woods because he owed someone a lot of money? Would he go killing a bunch of people like Rosalie had done? I'd learned my lesson by now. I didn't want to change anyone again.

"Do it!" Rosalie screeched. "You owe me this much!"

I sighed and bent over without giving it any further thought. The young man began to undergo the change while Rosalie argued with Edward over whether this had been the right thing to do.

"Maybe he doesn't _want_ to be a vampire," Edward grumbled.

"I didn't want to be a vampire either. He'll tough it out." Rosalie huffed.

"Very compassionate. I can't believe you would curse someone else to this fate so easily."

"I'm supposed to care what you think because...?"

"Whatever. I'm going to go play the piano. Not that I'll be able to hear it over your screaming friend." Edward stormed off.

He finally finished turning in a few days. "Man, that was pretty nasty for a few days there. But you should've seen the other guy," he quipped when he came to.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Carlisle Cullen, and you're a vampire."

"You don't mince words around here, do you Doc? And actually, my name isn't A. Vampire, it's Emmett."

"Emmett, I mean you're actually a vampire," I explained slowly. Great, Rosalie had managed to find a human with some kind of learning disability.

"Yeah, I got that the first time. You're not really very good with jokes, are you?" Emmett chuckled.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "It's just that the others weren't so quick to accept what they were."

"Had to be some explanation for how a pretty girl picked me up and ran all that distance. She's a vampire. Now it makes sense. Also explains why I want to drink blood."

I was astonished. "You're taking this rather well," I remarked.

"How would you prefer I take it? Am I supposed to, I dunno, run around the room and break stuff? I can do that if it'd make you feel better."

"No, no that won't be necessary," I said quickly. "It just would have been easier to understand."

"I thought words were pretty easy to understand. You seem to speak English all right." Emmett said.

"Yes, but... Oh, never mind. I'm glad you're all right with what's happened."

Finally, this had worked out all right. I was glad I was never going to do this again.

1948

"Hi Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett. When is Edward due back? I need to get my things inside quickly," a tiny young vampire girl approached from out of nowhere with a blond vampire young man in tow. Both of them had golden eyes.

"Uh, hello. How do you know us? Are you friends of Tanya's?" I asked.

"Who's Tanya? Hi, I'm Alice and this is Jasper. We live with you now. I saw it. We're going to get along just great. We're taking over Edward's room. It has the best view."

Rosalie gaped at her. "Who does she think she is?" she mumbled to Emmett.

"I think I'm Alice," the girl repeated, carrying a few small boxes and bags up the stairs with the boy she'd identified as Jasper in tow. I started to protest, but suddenly I felt very calm as if this entire bizarre scenario made perfect sense. I looked at the others, and they all seemed similarly at peace.

I heard Alice and Jasper chuckling as they moved Edward's belongings out of the way. "No, I really thought Carlisle seemed a lot smarter in my visions," she chirped. "Still, this will do."

Well, at least I hadn't been responsible for changing this batch. I could go on without ever needing to do that again.

2006

"This is unbelievable! How could you be so unfair?" Bella stomped out of my study.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I vowed that I would never change anyone else after Emmett," I explained.

"Well that's just great. Everybody around here gets to be a vampire except for me because you _vowed_ not to do it again. Just perfect!" Bella threw her arms up over her head in exasperation. "I want to be a vampire _too_!"

I couldn't win.


End file.
